Only in films nr 17

Some science-fiction stories are set in parallel universes where life evolved differently, the laws of physics work another way or some other major difference from our world exists. The same is true of the cinema. If you leave behind the grey, real-life dramas and look at the blockbusters, you find that the world works according to some bizarre rules.
If you find yourself in a film, carry a fire extinguisher. Everything explodes. If a helicopters runs out of fuel it will fall out of the sky and turn into a massive fireball (although this usually happens out of sight behind a clump of trees). Where does it get the fuel for the explosion? Cars go up in flames if they fall down a steep hill but never if you drive them down one.
Speaking of cars, there is something seriously wrong with the steering in most of them. No matter how strait the road is, the driver must always twist the wheel from side to side all the time. You never see the passengers being shaken on the back seat. They might be holding on to the armrests very tightly. At the end of the journey there is of course always a parking space, just outside the office in the middle of a big city and in the middle of the day, and there is no difficulty moving the car into the space. Everyone parks perfectly first time and every time.
In the office there is not a computer mouse to be seen. Personally this wouldn’t bother me. I use a trackball as it’s much easier. Anyway, you never need to wait for anything to boot up as the computer is always switched on, with a message saying ‘Enter password now’. Don’t worry if you can’t find the password. Just think back to an earlier conversation. It’s always something a person casually said to you while getting into their car or while ordering a drink at a bar. In real life nobody uses a word you can find in a dictionary or telephone directory.
If your plans are to steal something, don’t be put off by the number of armed security guards. All secret research buildings have ventilation shafts big enough and strong enough to carry an adult with climbing equipment and a few kilos of computers. You can get to any part of the institute through them, and they never have dust or oil in them so your clothes won’t need cleaning afterwards. The same is true if you climb on top of a lift. By the way, have you ever ridden in a lift with a door in the roof? Neither have I.
The latest rule I have discovered is that the battery on a mobile phone never goes flat, even when you have been travelling for a couple of days and have spent the night in a police cell (see if you can spot which films this comes from). Still, it makes good economic sense to use a formula that has worked many times before. Filmmakers can’t always experiment with new ideas in case nobody watches the film.

Did you know?

The word to describe a mistake in a film is a ‘goof”. One that affects the story is called a ‘plot hole”.

Trailers (adverts for new films) used to ‘trail” (come after) the main film instead of before it.

The opposite of a ‘hit” is a ‘turkey”, a ‘bomb” or a ‘flop” (when it costs more to make the film than it gets at the cinema). The most expensive turkey of all time was ‘The Adventures Of Pluto Nash”, costing about 100 million dollars to make and took 4.4 million at the box office.

KEY
1 – d,
2 – b,
3 – a,
4 – c.

How to get around slowly and quietly:

Match the definitions
to the words.

1) tiptoe

3) shuffle
2) crawl

4) creep

a) drag your feet slowly along the ground in short steps, e. g. in a queue
b) move along on your chest the way a baby does
c) move so slowly that someone passing would not notice
d) walk on the very ends of your feet so your shoes don’t make much noise on the floor

Glossary

parallel – równoległy
a blockbuster – hit
bizarre – dziwaczny
a fire extinguisher – gaśnica
steering – układ kierowniczy
a clump – kępa
casually – mimochodem
don’t be put off by – niech cię nie zraża
ventilation shaft – szyb wentylacyjny
dust – kurz